Days 71-72 -- Recommitment

Well hello again.

I'm not going to bother apologizing for my lack of activity on this blog -- which, may I remind you, I was determined to post on at least once a day for a year.  Yea, well I think we've all realized by now that my ambition to do just that might have been a wee bit lofty.  Regardless, I'm sorry.  Let's just leave it at that for now.

I wrote on Monday afternoon that I've found myself edging every so closely back into a rut.  And I'm determined not to let that happen.  For the past week, my inbox has been inundated with emails from my Half-Marathon Fundraising Mentor, Team Coordinator, and the like to re-commit to fundraising, and running, the Boston Half-Marathon for Crohn's & Colitis.  And the constant stream of email reminders have got me thinking: I need to re-commit.  Not just to the race on June 27, but to this race which will last the rest of my life. 

The past month has been a struggle, but only because I've made it one.  After a nice little therapy session with Kali (no, she's not my therapist, but my nutritionist, for those just joining us), we determined that I'm self-sabotaging.  OK -- now on three let's all do a collective, sarcastic cheer! 

No, seriously.  Not good.  Not good at all.  And the worst part is that I KNOW I'm doing it.  And yet I don't stop myself.  As Kali pointed out, I make a bad decision, blog about it, swear up and down that I'll never do it again, and then three weeks later find myself in the same, familiar position.  Hmm.... someone's a slow learner, no???

As Kali also pointed out, I make a lot of excuses for myself.  I have a stellar week, lose three or four pounds, and as some kind of reward for being so good, I go ahead and slpurge on a cheeseburger, French Fries, or whatever other unhealthy, cholesterol-filled food is in my direct path of consumption.  And that needs to stop.  I can't keep making excuses, straying from my healthy habits, and then get frustrated with myself when the scale doesn't move, or worse, goes up. 

So the result of this evening's session with Kali???  Well, it's a simple challenge.  But it's going to be hard as Hell.  For the next three weeks, Kali wants me to (and I agree it's a good idea) embark on a mini experiment.  No crappy meals for three weeks.  That means, no matter the weight loss I might have, no cheating.  No pizza.  No buffalo chicken wraps.  No French Fries.  Nothing that's not on the Kali-Approved List of Foods. 

I'm not kidding when I say this is going to be really hard for me.  And not because it's going to take a lot of preparation (ensuring I have the right foods with me, not eating out, etc.), but because it means I'm going to have to face down whatever little Demon inside my head that keeps toying with me, convincing me to self-sabotage.  I sense that these next few weeks will make or break me.  I'm hoping they prove to be quite insightful, and that I'll be the better for them.

So, today, I stand (ok, well, envision me standing) before you at 246.2 pounds.  And I am re-committing to this journey, to this challenge, to this blog.  As Kali said earlier, there's plenty of time for me to enjoy the foods I really love once I've reached my goal weight and proven that I can maintain it.  But not right now.  Right now, there's no "wiggle room."  Right now, I need to re-commit to a healthy lifestyle, to losing weight, and feeling great about myself.  And let's face it -- that doesn't come by way of downing a basket of fried shrimp. 

Hopefully, you're all doing better on your journeys than I am.  And I pray that your "inner demons" and the voices in your head that are trying to push you down are not winning.  Keep fighting the good fight!  And check back in for a blog a day -- even if it is just my menu!

Nicole's Daily Menu
Multigrain Cheerios with 1% milk
Cheese Stick
2 Plain rice cakes with peanut butter
Grilled chicken, broccoli
10 pretzels, cheese stick
Grilled chicken, green beans, and some rice


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